Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes can be described as a meal you're too hungry to wait for, only to be disappointed with small servings on a plate that's just too big.
You've got your hype, your excitement for Metal Gear Solid V and the new advancements that go along with it, like smarter A.I, better lighting, faster, responsive and more fluid gameplay than we've ever seen yet in a Metal Gear Solid game, all the while experiencing the new cutscenes acted out by real people, with real faces. But where Ground Zeroes falters is being just as small as you were told.
In this game, you are Kiefer Sutherland's face, er, Big Boss, er, Snake! Yes, Snake, that's the one. On a quest to find some bitch that tried to steal your ride and kill your friends. You know, the one you killed last week in Peace Walker, except now she's alive again and this time you're here to save her, because reasons. And also Chico, who you secretly hoped would be retconned out of existence every time he opened his stupid mouth.
The game starts and you climb a mountain because apparently that shiny new stealth helicopter we bought isn't as inconspicuous as Kiefer Sutherland climbing a mountain with the most reflective fucking uniform on the planet. I mean really, even Andy Warhol was like "What the fuck is that".
After the first cutscene, you are assaulted by a barrage of calls from Kazuhira Miller who cannot just the fuck up and let you stealth your way anywhere because apparently you are completely and utterly retarded and need to be told how to do any and every basic human function, such as breathing in and out. Thanks Kaz!
Camp Omega is short but peppered with U.S. Marines with the eyesight of a fucking Super Saiyan hubble telescope. Seriously, fucking hell. Just leave me alone and let me steal these fucking people and go home already, it's like 10:00 PM and I'm tired.
You can crouch walk, crawl, or do what I did and just sprint your way everywhere, not giving a fuck about getting caught because I'm a card carrying member of the YOLO society.
Once you kill everyone in the base and get to Chico you can call a helicopter piloted by Morpho and wait for 30 fucking minutes I mean seriously I could have driven him there by now. "Morpho", more like Motherfucker where's my helicopter!
So you put Chico in the helicopter and any other P.O.W you can find, which turns out to be a whole school bus filled with the fuckers. Seriously how many of these people can even fit in this fucking thing? You put them in and save them because you are a nice guy and go about finding Paz, who is located where the wind blows and a flag can be heard and also people walking around, according to this stupid fucking tape I have to listen to because the game can't tell me "SHE'S IN THE BIG FUCKING BUILDING OVER HERE".
You pick her up and run out of the base, slowly inching your way forward until you remember that you are the harbinger of death and there is no one left alive on the base to worry about - except the people that was just spawned in right in front of you, that you have now alerted.
So you run away from the fucking explosions and get to the helicopter you forgot to call in, and then wait another 30 fucking minutes because apparently no one gives a shit that you are the leader of the entire corporation and without you it's all tits up. You fight your way through the waves of infinitely spawning enemies and try to put Paz in the helicopter but it's taking it's fine fucking time actually landing because he's too busy killing people somewhere else. YOU are a HELICOPTER. You do HELICOPTER STUFF, let ME, A NON HELICOPTER, WORRY ABOUT THE NON HELICOPTER STUFF. IS IT SO HARD!? WHEN WE GET BACK TO BASE YOU'RE ALL FIRED!
You get in the helicopter and leave, mission complete. Huey then calls in and pretends he's not in the process of completely fucking you and everyone on that base to death, literally.
Unfortunately, you've already seen this shit before because someone, AND I REPEAT, SOMEONE, DECIDED IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO SHOW THE ENDING OF THE GAME A YEAR PRIOR, IN A FUCKING TRAILER FOR ANOTHER FUCKING GAME.
So the only new story you get is to listen to Mr. Skeleton rape some girl a bunch, which is pretty hot, I won't lie.
In the end, I give the game a SOLID: